Original Written Content Copyright 2001 P. Breen
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  Back at the Shayne Loan Company, Sheba traces the name and Yacht number she coerced out of Pilot and dials directory assistance. After sweet-talking her way through various channels of information, she connects to a receptionist at Shark's Yacht. "Is this where the party's at? I'm supposed to be there, but I got lost." A voice asks, "How did you get this number?" Sheba saucily replies, "I got it, now how do I get there?"

Sheba arrives at the docks that same evening dressed to kill. A shuttle sails her out to Shark's super swank yacht anchored in the Ohio river.

Sheba's grand entrance immediately attracts the attention of Shark (Dick Merrifield). The yuppie host glides over to introduce himself. "A new guest," Shark says excitedly. "Welcome aboard." Sheba smiles and says, "Why thank you. So you're the host?" They volley sexual innuendo back and forth as if they're competing in a ping pong tournament. Sheba finally teases, "You seem to move very fast. I guess that's why they call you Shark." He asks, "Can I get you a drink beautiful lady?" Sheba requests a champagne and orange juice. As Shark is about to oblige, a lovely blonde woman puts her hands on his shoulders in a display of possession. Shark eases back from Sheba. She asks, "Will I see you later?" Shark's eyes light up. "Of course. We'll all get to be good friends." Shark walks away with his blonde girlfriend, who seems less than thrilled with his menage a trois suggestion.

Meanwhile, Pilot races to the waterfront to inform Shark about Sheba's impending arrival (why did it take him so damn long?). He hops a shuttle to warn Shark at the Yacht.

For reasons that are unclear, Sheba decides to pick a fight with the blonde -- perhaps to get Shark alone later that night? I dunno. Regardless, she ashes a cigar on the girls breasts, and a roaring catfight breaks out. The hoity-toity crowd goes wild and encourages the mayhem. D'Urville finally makes it onboard and pleads to see Shark. Shark is all hot and bothered by the fight and rejects Pilot. "Get that trash off my boat," he growls to his aide. Pilot breaks away from the bouncer and wails to Shark, "She knows she knows!" Pilot suddenly spots Grier and points. "It's her. That Shayne chick!" Realizing her cover is blown, Sheba breaks off the catfight by ramming a creme pie (what else?) into the blonde's face. Sheba sprints across the deck and leaps into the Ohio River. Pilot and the bodyguards rush to the railing but Sheba has disappeared into the water without a trace.

(CLICK HERE TO SEE AN EDITED CLIP OF THE YACHT CATFIGHT. MPG MOVIE: 2.3 MB)

She resurfaces a good distance away, well out of view.

On the yacht, Shark gives Pilot a piece of his mind. "Tomorrow morning you're going to regret this mistake of yours. You put me in a bad situation. Get this slimy nigger out of here." Pilot begs for mercy but Shark saunters off coldly. Shark's bodyguards drag Pilot away.

Much later that night, Sheba squeezes into a wetsuit and swims BACK to the boat. She effortlessly re-enters the yacht carrying what looks to be a semi-automatic. As she rounds a corner, a guard comes too close for comfort -- she knocks him unconscious with the butt of the gun. She creeps downstairs below deck. This scene goes on forever, and its only salvation is the fact that, well, Pam Grier is in a skin-tight wetsuit! She finally makes it to Shark's room, where she is immediately overpowered and disarmed. A guard tosses her onto Shark's bed.

Shark enters and shoots Sheba a cocky grin. He sends his guard out of the room. "I'm surprised you're not smarter than this. I'm going to have to kill you, you know that." Sheba leans back on the bed and asks, "Have I bruised your masculinity?" Shark shrugs, "Not really. It would take more than one chick to do that." Sheba unzips the front of her wetsuit to reveal her ripe cleavage. "Would it?" Shark sighs at her forwardness. "I oughtta take you -- you'd like that wouldn't you?" Sheba's provocative smile widens. "Try me." Shark approaches the bed and goes to slide on top of her. Sheba delivers a solid foot to Shark's groin and he cries out in agony. The guard bursts in at the faintest sound of trouble and points his gun at Sheba. Shark struggles to regain his composure. She taunts him, "Now what's that done to your masculinity?"

Shark slaps her across the face. "You little slut -- you've done your last trick, sweetheart. You listen and listen good: when we're finished with you, you're going to be sharkbait." (Sharks in the Ohio River?) Shark commands his goons to put Sheba below deck and they drag the bruised beauty away.

Brick arrives at the Shayne loan house bright and early the next morning. He dials the phone to call Sheba's family homestead. No one answers. He looks down on the desk and sees a piece of paper with the word "Shark" written on it -- as well as the number for the yacht. He snatches up the paper and dials police headquarters. Michael Clifford answers the phone and gives it to Lieutenant Jackson. Jackson does some quick digging and reveals that the yacht belongs to a man named Merrill. "A rich guy with all the right answers. I think Sheba's gotten herself in too deep."

Below deck, Sheba sits around she's not tied up or anything. Remarkably, she finds a large knife lying on the floor. She breaks off the wooden handle and tucks the blade into her wet suit.

On a nearby shore, a bound Pilot begs for his life. "I've always done right by you!" insists Pilot. He offers broads, money, and drugs to the henchmen but they remain stoic. The rope that binds his hands is tied to a nearby speedboat.

Aboard the yacht, Sheba is escorted to the deck. Shark glows with sadism. "The show's about to start. You're going to see just a taste what we have in store for you sweet lady." Sheba stares in horror as the speedboat takes off at full power. The boat drags Pilot into the water with cruel velocity. Pilot is presumed drowned in a matter of seconds.

Sheba regains her private eye sass. She asks Shark, "So what are your big plans?" Shark replies with badguy bravado, "Nothing complicated. After I dispose of you I'll have to take a vacation." Sheba sneers, "I knew no one legitimate could have a boat like this." Shark sniffs at a pricey cigar and corrects her. "Yacht my dear. It's a yacht. I'm afraid we're going to have to tie you up." Sheba struggles against the guards' clutches. "Your humor stinks. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?" Shark acts surprised at her question. "From taking money from stupid ignorant people? You have to admire a man for the goals that he sets."

In the distance, the speedboat driver cuts Pilot's dead body free and the corpse disappears into the water. Sheba comments, "I think I'm going to be sick." Shark ignores her. "I like it out here. It gets me away from all the shit in the city." Sheba snaps, "I don't see how. You seem to bring it all along with you." Tiring of Sheba's weak wit, Shark reasons, "This was really all so unnecessary. I'm going to get the Shayne Loan Company anyway. Since Andy is dead my insurance company takes over the operation. Andy owed us a fortune in premium payments." Sheba scowls at the revelation. "You get them coming and going don't you?" Shark nods "That's the name of the game. Anything worth having is worth stealing."

Bored of the tit for tat, Shark announces to his guards that "the lady is ready for her swim." They tie her hands together in the same way they did Pilot's. The rope is attached to the speedboat. Shark kisses Sheba. She, in turn, slugs him with her bound fists. She takes advantage of the confusion and makes a break for it. She leaps overboard. Shark yells "Go ahead pull her!!" In the downtime, Sheba whips out her concealed blade and cuts herself free from the rope.

Sirens fill the air as a fleet of police boats moves in. Shark yells to his crew, "Get the hell out of here! The police are coming!"

Sheba sneaks back inside the yacht and manages to locate her gun. Shark suddenly appears and the two struggle for the gun. He decks Sheba and knocks her out. Does he take the gun? NO! Does he kill her? NO! He just runs out of there. Whatta dipshit.

Shark grabs a speedboat and hightails away from the yacht. Sheba comes to and guns down a bodyguard.

Officer Clifford, Lieutenant Jackson, and Brick arrive and exchange fire with the remaining fleeing guards. Clifford is gunned down in the heat of the battle. Other yacht guards are shot dead while escaping in speedboats.

In the Mai Lai, Sheba hops on a jet ski and pursues the fleeing Shark. She skis over to an abandoned speedboat and takes command of the craft. Sheba races off in Shark's direction. Shark sees her in pursuit and fires a few pistol shots at Sheba. Her mini-machine gun is much sleeker than his lame pistol. She manages to catch up to him, and just as she's on top of his boat, her cool machine gun jams. She frantically looks around for an alternative medium-range weapon and she spots a HARPOON GUN (?) on the floor of the speedboat. (Is Whaling permitted on the Ohio River?)

With one precise shot, Sheba harpoons Shark through his back. Shark's boat sails out of control.

The speedboat heads straight toward some kind of barge-like dock structure. Two loafing stoners dive from the barge in the nick of time. The impact of the boat causes the whole barge to explode into flames. (NOTE: Hey - that one stoner looks an awful lot like Billy! I was told he never made a cameo in any of his own movies. Maybe it's the beard?)

Sheba steers her own speedboat close to smoldering wreckage then drives off knowing justice has been served. She returns to the yacht, which is surrounded by police boats. She goes onboard and embraces Brick on sight. "Just take me away from here," she moans to him. She turns to Phil Jackson, "And you can have your town back again, Lieutenant."

A few days later, we see Sheba bidding farewell to Brick at the Shayne Loan Company. Brick says to her, "You could change your mind. This is your home." Sheba looks around and shakes her head. "No Brick. I'll be back. I've got to check on my interests, remember?" Brick takes her hand and escorts Sheba to the front entrance. Brick squeezes her hand tightly. Sheba doesn't look like she really wants to go. With a hint of hesitation, she mumbles "Take care of yourself." He goes to say something mushy but she cuts him off. "Don't Brick -- let's just let it go right here." She kisses him, then exits the loan house. The expression on Brick's faces says, "Damn, that was some fine booty. Looks like I got to start all over again."

Sheba drags her luggage to a parked taxicab and stares longingly at Brick.

"Where to lady -- lady?" inquires the crabby cabby. Sheba breaks out of her lovestruck trance. "To the airport."

(And as a parting note, the final credit roll is actually really well done. We watch the cab drive away, then we cut back to the opening title sequence of Sheba's ripe asscheeks strutting down Chicago's streets.)

(CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE CLOSING THEME. MP3 FILE: 2.4 MB)

END

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