Original Written Content Copyright 2001 P. Breen
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  As the good doctor patiently waits outside for the beehive girl, heís approached by a woman named Rosemary: apparently an old acquaintance of Donís (played by Patís very own lovely wife Nita, interestingly enough). She is with another man, but sheís obviously very attracted to Don (heck, EVERY woman in this flick digs Don). She asks him where heís been and flirtatiously reminds the recent widower, "We're both free now." The doctor seems somewhat sickened by her proposition. "I'll, uh, call you soon. I have to leave for an appointment." Rosemary storms off in a jilted huff. (Hmm. I wonder if this was some sort of symbolic scene for Pat and his real wife.)

Finally, the dazed beehive girl finds Don. Still in a trance, she lets Don lead her away. The two make out passionately. She eventually mumbles, "Thanks for rescuing me -- Jack is such a drag." The doctor tells her she has lovely hands. Before she can acknowledge the compliment, Don gives her an injection and she passes out. Gregory the hunchback helps Don drag the unconscious woman to the castle.

Back in Donís basement, the beehive lass is strapped to the operating table. The doctor takes perverse pleasure in slowly removing the galís stockings (even though he wants her hands). The doctor amputates her left hand with a scalpel. Without warning, the girlís eyes open and she screams. Don plunges his scalpel into her stomach, killing the beehive girl with one stab. From there, removing the hands appears to be a snap.

The next day, Dr. Don tails a pretty blond girl to an office building. He slips inside and confronts her. He pulls his Bela Lugosi move and she slips into a trance. She follows the doctor to his basement of horrors. Like the previous hypnotized beauty, the blond is strapped to the operating table. Only this time the girl is kept awake for the procedure. Dr. Don saws off her (mannequin) arms. He then removes her eyes for no discernable reason.

After a bit of quiet reflection with the pink rose (well, not THAT quiet Ė the danged toy piano theme overpowers everything), the doctor decides it's time for he and Gregory to complete their Ďexperiment.í He orders Gregory to bring him "the leg." Don carefully begins to sew the leg onto his perfect torso. He calls for the arms, then the hands, and so on. Gregory wipes sweat from Donís brow as the doctor determinedly assembles the body. Don wraps the feminine form in sheets, then inserts an IV into the body. A strange red substance is transfused into the corpse to help stimulate rapid healing (it looks like the stuff he fed to the pink rose). The doctor and the hunchback leave as the concoction takes effect.

Upstairs, the doctor is pacing in nervous anticipation of his blossoming Ďperfect mate.í A knock at the castle door alarms the doctor. He and Gregory answer the door tentatively. A chubby police officer announces, "I got a report that some strange things are happening. Youíre not making any moonshine in here, are you?" The doctor informs the officer that heís, well, a doctor. The officer apologizes for being a bother, then leaves.

Don checks on the body. He peels away a few bandages and removes the sutures from the arms and legs (he removes the sutures ONE BY ONE!!). He attaches some electrodes to the body. Nearby, the hunchback steals a nip from a whisky flask as he sweeps the floor. The doctor fiddles with some test tubes, then asks Gregory to throw the power switch (the one that turned Donís first corpse into Jiffy Pop Popcorn). This time, though, the body receives the volts from underneath a giant welding shield (ah). We see the same footage of whirring electrical gizmos from the beginning of the film. Finally, the doctor powers down and removes the electrodes from the body. He checks her with a stethoscope. "Sheís alive!"

The doctor begins to peel back the sheets, but he scolds Gregory for attempting to pull off a blanket that covered the bodyís more delicate parts. Don reveals the face of his new bride; a gorgeous sight replete with perfectly applied bright seventies-ish makeup. "Welcome to a new world," he says as he hands her the pink rose. A wedding march strikes up. "Thereís so much to learn. So much I need to teach you Ö"

He dresses the lovely girl and leads her upstairs. He throws her a hypnotizing Bela stare and proclaims, "Your mind is completely blank. You will not even remember what a glass of water is. You'll know only what I teach you. You'll follow my every bid. Your pleasure will come from making me happy." Her vacant yet pretty face indicates his hypnotism is successful.

Don confronts his hunchbacked partner downstairs before continuing his lessons with the "new Anitra." Don tells Gregory, "It is important she knows of no other human beings." Don says that Gregory must never leave the basement, and he stresses his point by waving a sharp scalpel threateningly at the hunchback.

Later, Don sits down on a frumpy sofa with his new bride. As an insidiously dopey organ tune kicks in, he explains, "Iím a man -- you're a woman. I'm firm and strong. Youíre soft and sweet." Don continues rambling for a good long time, although the onscreen actions donít match up with his soliloquy. "She's such a lovely thing. A beautiful newborn child with full maturity. I have to show her everything Ė everything I want her to know. How to drink a glass of water. How to hold her fork. How to show her affection for me." He then tries to crash-course the girl by barraging her with perfume bottles, vinegar, pop-up story books, and heavy petting.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE "SUGAR AND SPICE" THEME IS THE LAMEST MUSIC YOU'VE EVER HEARD, GIRDLER PROVIDES AN EVEN WORSE ORGAN TUNE. REAL AUDIO: 121 KB

The two go for an excessively long romantic stroll (*shades of Girdler*); backed by another lengthy Bill Hicks tune. The lovers kiss and laugh an awful lot.

In the castle basement, the hunchback is lonely. He turns to booze and cuddles his only friend: a pet bunny. Donís bride sneaks down the winding basement stairs and gasps when she sees Gregory. "You're a man!" she exclaims with a lusty smile. Don appears just in time to hear his paramourís mating call. Don flies into a jealous rage. He throws a jar of acid in Gregoryís face, then grabs a cleaver. Don plunges the blade into Gregoryís hump, killing the toady (really: Gregoryís hunchback is so pronounced, you assume its sole purpose in the movie is to be impaled by something). Don drags the body to the tub of acid as his bride looks on with blond confusion.

The next afternoon, Don leaves his bride behind at the castle to run some errands. A pudgy fellow arrives at the house to "haul ashes from the furnace." He is welcomed enthusiastically by the beauty (sheís wearing a bikini). "Iím a woman. A woman is made to be loved. Do you wanna love me?" she inquires with a teasing grin. "Heh-heh. YEAH! Címon baby. Letís go for a ride in my truck," he leers. He escorts her out of the castle and into his pickup truck.

Sometime later, we see the chubby furnace cleaner alone at a bar. He tells the barkeep that he met the most perfect girl in the world earlier that day, but when he woke up she was gone. Heartbroken, the pudgy fellow drowns his sorrows in hard liquor.

A voiceover from Dr. Don signals an abrupt scene change. "I looked everywhere for you my beautiful darling. Now Iíve found you -- we'll be so very happy. I'll take you everywhere -- you and I will dance all night." The camera pulls back to reveal that Dr. Don is NOW BEHIND BARS (!?!). He's babbling to a homely cleaning lady who's scrubbing the prison floor. She laughs at his proposition. A male janitor comes by to flirt with the woman. "They say he was quite a lover," he remarks to no one in particular. The janitor then woos the cleaning lady by inviting her to a wrestling match, and the two leave.

Don reclines on his cot and stares longingly at the pink rose on his nightstand. A trippy montage of triple-exposed gory images from the movie plays out in his head. We hear a reprise of Bill Hicksí hit country ballad "A Heart Dies Every Minute."

BILL HICKS' HIT COUNTRY BALLAD, "A HEART DIES EVERY MINUTE". REAL AUDIO: 500 KB

Later, Rosemary (Pattersonís real wife; the woman Don snubbed outside the restaurant) arrives with her boyfriend at Donís cell during visiting hours. She mocks Don, hissing, "Don't call me. I'll call you." Satisfied with her overt and wholly unnecessary bitchiness, Rosemary spins away and leaves Don to his lonely cell. His thoughts return to his dreamgirl Anitra.

(Note: No, I donít know exactly what happened here. And in case you're wondering, I don't think it means that the events in the movie were all in Donís imagination. Was Don thrown in jail for killing the hunchback? Was he nabbed for the other murders? Only the late Pat Patterson knows for sure.)

Somewhere on a dusty North Carolina highway, a beat-to-hell van driven by a fat geeky guy comes to a screeching halt next to the curvy form of Anitra. She asks the driver, "Are you going to haul my ashes?" He chuckles at her curious suggestion. She licks her lips and says, "You're a man. I am a woman!" She hops into the strangerís truck and they speed away.

(thank God itís finally) THE END


The main musical theme from Dr. Gore Ė the annoying toy piano "Sugar and Spice" theme -- is featured with Hicks lyrics over the end credits. The song is somewhat funny. You can listen to this 500 KB Real Audio version. The kooky lyrics appear below:

Sugar and spice
And everything nice
Thatís what little girls are made of.
But as they get bigger
They take on a figure.
And some are much nicer than others.

So take it from me
If you like what you see
On a blonde, a brunette or a redhead.
Remove what you like
With an axe or a knife.
And donít mind that you leave the girl quite dead.

With a scientific plan
An arm or a hand
May be joined to a beautiful torso.
When sewn all together
The perfect cadaver
Will be just the right girl only more so.


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